Ever since I was in diapers, I've been playing video games. You read that correctly. Before I could control my own bodily functions, I was controlling virtual heroes and expertly guiding them through intense levels fraught with vicious enemies and bottomless pits. Turns out that video games come naturally to me. Throughout the years, I've never had any trouble dominating whatever title I've popped into a console system. But what about real life? I'm not quite so great at that. I've often wondered how much easier life would be if I had a controller and a set of extra lives to guide me through it. Eventually, this lead to an epiphany: video games have taught me everything I need to know about succeeding in life. In fact, they've taught me everything I need to know about EVERYTHING. My extensive history with video games has prepared me for nearly every situation, from how to arrange blocks to how to save the universe. I just had to search my 8-bit soul and figure out what each game was trying to prepare me for in the real world. I've poured all of my "scientific" research and soul-searching into this book, drawn exclusively from the video game classics of the 1980s and early 1990s. So open up this book and start leveling up. Diapers are optional.